The Gemini on Being Boring

Ew, guys, I’m boring now. I used to be fun. Really. Yeah, I had my hermit moments or the nights when I was like “sorry, I can’t go out, the Vampire Diaries is on.” (Lies, I never said that. That’s why God made DVRs). But I was always down for happy hour or a brunch that was 90% mimosa, 10% food. Even this fall, my first semester of grad school, I was at least somewhat fun. I’d go to dinner, or take advantage of a long weekend.

Now I’m just boring. I think it’s a combination of my class schedule (7 hours on Saturday morning? What was I thinking?), my work schedule (my boss is who I want to be in life, so I have to be on my A-game), and financial situation (Pro Tip: never look at your “estimated balance” on your student loan account). Plus, I recently somewhat-accidentally signed up for a half-marathon, and that training doesn’t lend itself to wine nights and 5 hours of sleep. I’m basically the people Marshall & Lily hate in Okay, Awesome, while desperately trying to cling to my former life as Marshall/Lily.

Or, even worse, maybe I’m just getting old. I’ll be 26 just four short months from today. And as we all know from Jessica Simpson, that’s basically 30. Should I be getting married and having babies or something? Um, no, especially since just last night I had a dream that I gave birth and immediately began screaming “I DON’T WANT IT, I DON’T WANT IT.”

I have no one in Hollywood to guide me through this situation. Those bitches go out til they’re 50, and then they just get weird and sad and overdose on a drug made for white-trash teenagers. So I guess until then I will just continue on my path of work-class-homework-run-DVR-sleep-occasional outing once a month. Even if this plan does involve drinking only one solitary glass of wine that you slowly sip while writing essays and listening to that one Lana Del Ray song (or two let’s be honest) that makes you even more hermit-y, for no other reason than it’s slow and your voice fits her vocal range.

Yours in boredom,
The Gemini

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The Gemini on Justin Timberlake

I have a confession. Even though I was obviously Team BSB, I’ve always had a major thing for Justin Timberlake. Posters on my wall, concerts, the whole nine yards. Like, even though I remain frustrated that he’s given up music to be an “actor”, I not only paid money to see Friends With Benefits but also teared up at the end.

Anyway, I also firmly believed in the true love of Justin & Britney.

Awwww.

So you can imagine how distressed I am about the news that Justin is engaged to someone who is neither myself or Britney. Sure, Jessica Biel may have been called the Sexiest Woman Alive at some point years ago, but have she and JT ever worn matching denim outfits?

I think not. I give it a year.

Off to listen to Justified and reminisce about senior year of high school,
The Gemini

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Our Special Jersey Shore Correspondent on Tonight’s Big Return*

I wasn’t really excited for this season of Jersey Shore until about an hour ago. Someone mentioned Jerzday on Facebook and, let’s be honest with ourselves, this show still delivers. So I got excited. Sure, the show eventually got too big for its own good–they were basically the first reality TV stars to have a multi-season show and become famous from that show, thus royally fucking up the fourth wall. But I can’t not watch, even if this is how I remember 90% of the last season:

(Side note: how great is YouTube for allowing things like this to exist? It makes no sense. I love it.)

You have to come back for Snooki and JWOWW, Pauly and Vinny. You have to put up with SamRon and Sitch. You have to hope that Deena spontaneously combusts–keep your fingers crossed y’all (Ed. note: Prayer Circle is in progress).

You have to come back for what could happen instead of what you know will ultimately happen–see video above.

You have to watch to live tweet it because it’s dumb and Twitter is made for quick snipes at a show like this. Live tweeting JS is keeping this alive for me more than anything–follow me @cheedelt. (I bet you’re sitting there thinking ‘I bet he’s going to look and see if he got any more followers after this goes up.’ You’re gotdamn right I’m going to check for a jump in followers. You know Kanye knows how many people follow him on Twitter and I’m just following my New Year’s resolution to be more like Yeezy this year.)

(Ed. note: You also have to watch it to see me in the background).

Tonight should be a typical premiere episode–not much substance, just a “heeeey, we’re back. Sorry about last season. Here’s a little fun for you and we’ll call it a night after 37 minutes, k?” We all know what’s going to happen: They’ll drink and go to Karma, Snooki will dramatically profess her love for the Shore way too many times (I’ll set the line at +/- 15 and the over looks nice), JWOWW will continue to attempt to make facial expressions, Ron and Sam will bicker at each other (“RAAAAAAAAAHN STAAAAAAAAAAAHP”), Sitch will either fail to pick up a girl at Karma or he’ll find a clinger, Vinny and Pauly will make up a word or a phrase that they’ll wear out for a few episodes until they come up with a new one, and Deena will continue to ride Snooki’s coat tails. I know what’s coming.

But I can’t not watch.

*(Ed. note: Obviously the real big return tonight is the Vampire Diaries, but I guess JS is a close second.)

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2012: The Year of Solange Style for the Libra

I do not want to make Solange more famous than she wants to be. This is an odd feeling for me. Like, I want Kanye to become increasingly more famous, to the point that even beings in other galaxies are waiting for Kanye’s majestic return to twitter (it’s happening, guys). But I don’t want that for Solange. I want Solange Knowles to wake up, live her life, and go DJ at Brooklyn Bowl. Forever.

Today while with my friend Canyeezy (a Cancer who worships Kanyesus) was getting her nails did for the new year we began to talk about style for 2012 and what it meant.

Canyeezy, who models herself a bit after Kanye and Beyonce, brought up my deep emotional feelings that get stirred up every time I see Solange in a turban: “What Beyonce is to me, I think Solange is to you.”

Truth.

For me, 2012 is definitely going to be the year of Solange, and you know it’s true. This means I may finally wear exactly what I want to instead of what I think I should.

Pictures courtesy Solange’s blog:


Who will you style yourself after? I need someone to be Santigold. I also need a man to start dressing like Katharine Hepburn. Just throwing that out there.

–The Libra

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Most Hilarious Hate Comment

Someone was hating on my post about Portlandia a while back, although he made a mistake and posted the comment on the About FFBR page.

Oh get of it you self righteous twit.
This is not racism. I live in Japan this is
reality. I just love dough headed morons like
you seeking something to get indignant about.
It doesn’t surprise me you don’t recognize humor
your type never does.
Please watch Blazing Saddles your teeny hummus filled
brain will explode before the first scene is finished.
Now find a nice man make him a sandwich and shut up.
P.S.
The Japanese love Breakfast at Tiffany’s
especially the Mickey Rooney scenes.

Thanks for clearing that up for me! I was worried that a non-Japanese man would be unable to speak for an entire group of people, but you’ve proven to me that one is capable of doing so with elegance, confidence, and just the right touch of humor.

LOVE,
The Libra

P.S. In all seriousness, the only reason I posted this comment and not other hate comments is because there’s a serious problem with any person claiming to speak for an entire group of people in order to negate claims of racism. Whether or not people can appreciate stereotypes about their race or ethnicity for humorous reasons is probably not something one can claim based upon personal experience. Anecdote is not data, and for that matter, data is not without bias, nor is it consistent in reflecting all the factors that contribute to internalized racism/sexism, etc.

P.P.S. I really don’t eat a lot of hummus. And I will never find a nice man just to make him a sandwich. That sounds like a waste of time when I could be doing better things with myself like leaving hate comments on blogs I don’t care about.

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Our Special Jersey Shore Correspondent on What To Watch Besides Jersey Shore

So we all know that 2011 is the year that Jersey Shore died. It’s still alive but it’s alive in the same way that Zsa Zsa Gabor is still alive: technically, it’s not dead, but it is. The Italian season was a monumental failure and it went just like I thought it would–they’re the turd in the punch bowl over there too. They didn’t appreciate the culture (saw that coming), they didn’t fit in (shocking) and the whole thing came off as a desperate and unimaginative way of trying to breathe new life into the show. And Deena sucks. Like, a lot.

There are ways to breathe new life into the show–get rid of dead weight on the show like Sam, Ron, Sitch (Ed. note: no) and Deena OR make two houses and split up the cast. Or spin Deena off onto her own show on Bravo or something. I really need less Deena in my life.

But this next season is going to be another one in Seaside Heights and the guys are going to holler at the same girls, make the same jokes, GTL just the same while the girls are going to get in the same fights, the meatballs are going to meatball it up and Deena is going to try to steal more of Snooki’s shine. I wouldn’t miss Deena if she fell off the face of the Earth today, people. Really don’t care for her. (Ed. note: Guys, do you think he likes Deena? I cant tell.)

I’m going to watch every episode because I’m invested. I’m going to be playing the fiddle while the ship sinks. I’m not looking forward to it.

When this show eventually ends, I’m going to need something. Something sick. Something twisted. And I’d like to be at least one season deep, so I’m going to be testing out new shows while Jersey Shore is still going. Just don’t tell Jersey Shore I’m cheating on it, ok? It’d probably get even with an episode where Sammi and Deena become best friends and take over the whole episode.

The show that I’m really excited about is Mama Drama, which premieres New Year’s Day at 10 on VH1. This is the latest work of SallyAnn Salsano, creator of Jersey Shore and an Illuminati (wild speculation but it’s probably true). The show takes pairs of mothers and daughters who party together and put them in a house in Vegas.

I mean, look at ’em. They all look a little crazy, but the mother/daughter pairs in the middle (with the animal print and the fucked up enormous red flowers, on the right side (the daughter with her hands on her hips and the mother kinda hiding behind her daughter) and on the left (teeny dresses) look special crazy.

There are some serious opportunities for crazy here: moms who want to be the cool mom, moms who can’t take it that their daughters are stealing some of their thunder, daughters who can’t take their moms stealing their thunder, moms not being able to deal with their age, etc etc etc. I haven’t seen a trailer but I know this is going to be magic. I just have a feeling. It’s the feeling I got when Snooki and Vinny hooked up this season: a little woozy, tingly all over, sick to my stomach. I can’t wait.

I’m also going to give the Virgin Diaries a run.

This might get a little weird. I enjoy weird people but I don’t enjoy certain awkward moments. I can’t qualify what makes an awkward moment one that I won’t like but I didn’t flinch during any of the commercials. There are a lot of weird kisses going on.

See, the great thing about losing your virginity in like the 18-ish range is that you’re probably still a little awkward and you can get away with blaming your age for being an awkward kisser or awkward in bed. The first few times are going to be awkward regardless. These people on Virgin Diaries are just awkward and they’re putting their awkward on national television.

All the awkward stuff aside, we’re watching a defining moment in someone’s life. I think that’s cool. All the weird people and weird kisses are just a bonus.

(Ed. Note: If you have any suggestions for our Special Jersey Shore Correspondent to watch, please let us know in the comments!)

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The Gemini’s Favorite Songs of 2011

Greetings. As the Libra mentioned, I had these really annoying things called “grad school” and “finals” and was therefore MIA recently. As it turns out, when you actually pay for school all by yourself your level of caring goes way up! Strange how that works.

Anyway, last year I posted my 20 favorite radio-friendly songs of 2010. I’m doing the same thing this year, except I’m too lazy tired from finals to rank them or find 20 of them. Also, let’s not forget my cardinal rule of a good song: Even if it’s the worst song ever made, if it’s good to run to I’ll love it. Let’s get started.

Rihanna–We Found Love


This song was my everything this year. I could (and have) listen to it on repeat for hours. I’ve never been to a rave, but if I ever go I hope it’s just this song + flashing lights until 6am.

Kanye + Jay-Z: Ni**as in Paris / Otis


Sorry, I couldn’t pick between them (also: see honorable mentions). As I’ve said (and meant) many times, I cannot be friends with someone who doesn’t like Ni**as in Paris. That indicates a lack of taste that I just don’t have time for.

Also, this summer when I was in the final days of my terribly boring job before moving to New York, I used to put on my sunglasses and step out of my apartment (a la Charlotte York to Liz Taylor in Sex & the City) to the line “I guess I got my swagger back.”

Adele — Someone Like You


I don’t really have anything to say about this song that hasn’t been said already. But given that the Libra & I were roommates in 2007 because we understood that sometimes you needed to sit in the dark and cry to a good song, you can imagine how delighted I was to hear all of 21.

Beyonce–Countdown


As I said on Twitter recently, if I ever get married I want to have a relationship like Beyonce & Jay-Z and then write a song like Countdown. There’s a sense of romance to “Me and my boo and my boo lip locking / all up in the back ‘cause the chicks keep flocking / all that gossipin’ / 10 years, stop it.” As I await the birth of The Holy Child, I’ll just continue to count 10-1 on my fingers every single time I listen to this song.

LMFAO — Party Rock Anthem


I know, the fact that this song has sold almost 5m copies in America is supposed to indicate the decline of America, along with our obesity rate and high ratings for Two & A Half Men. Whatever, there’s something to be said for a song that wants nothing more than for “everybody just have a good time.” In addition to being fantastic to run to, it’s also great to listen to on the way to the Jersey Shore with your BFFs, as it screams of “let’s get drunk and make bad decisions!”

Katy Perry – Last Friday Night


Speaking of getting drunk and making bad decisions, when I first heard Last Friday Night I immediately emailed The Other Libra & A Leo to tell them Katy Perry was singing a song about our lives. No names or anything, but by the end of the summer it had pretty much been acted out in its entirety.

Foster The People–Helena Beat


Yeah “Pumped Up Kicks” was their bigger hit but I never had multiple solo dance parties to PUK. Advantage: Helena Beat (I also recommend “Houdini’ and “Waste” from their album).

Lady Gaga–Edge of Glory / Marry the Night


Obviously Lady Gaga ruled my iTunes playcounts this year, but Edge of Glory and Marry the Night reigned supreme. Not only did Lady Gaga make me cry & wonder why I haven’t yet run across the Brooklyn Bridge with her, but she wrote a perfect love song to New York. Also, the saxophone in Edge of Glory is straight out the Full House theme song, which is never a bad thing.

Britney Spears–Til the World Ends


Oh Britney. You’re now 30 and engaged to someone who doesn’t reek of gold-digging douche. Good for you! Also, this song was basically my running anthem this spring. Fun fact: whenever I did 5/8/10ks I would play this and change the words (in my head) to “keep on running til the world ends.”

Pitbull–Give Me Everything


I know, I’m embarrassed for myself for putting this on the list. In my defense, I still hate Pitbull and almost always FF just to get to the chorus. But I blame my Canadian friend who told me to download it. And then I listened to it, and then it got stuck in my head, and then I ran to it, and then they used it in a trailer for a Zac Efron movie and I was basically conditioned to like it. It’s not my fault.

Honorable Mentions

Kanye & Jay-Z: Made in America

Nikki Minaj – Superbass

Lana Del Ray – Video Games

Drake feat. Rihanna – Take Care

David Guetta feat. Usher – Without You

 

 

That’s it! See you in 2012. Til then, I’ll be waiting for DJ Earworm’s remix.

Marry the Night,

The Gemini

Full disclosure: I’ve been interning for Columbia Records, which is home to Beyonce, Adele and Foster the People. They would have made this list regardless, but my social media class this semester told me I have to make this disclaimer to be ethical.

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