The Libra on What Defines a Gemini

Four years ago, The Gemini and The Libra took place in a sacred college tradition that involved champagne and modern-day slavery. As part of this tradition, the Libra wrote an essay on the defining characteristics of a Gemini. It is republished here.

Geminis are known for their duality, hence why their sign is represented by the Twins. Geminis are mutable, air signs, which means that they are quite adaptable, analytical creatures. Keeping these things in mind, picture this scenario: you’re at a party, and you see a Gemini lurking around the sound system, working as an impromptu dj, trying not to spill wine or beer (either would be appropriate for our dual-minded Gemini) on the speakers. One minute the Gemini is exuberant and giving out hugs to friends who pass by, and the next, the Gemini is practically knocking over some innocent by-stander. Or maybe the by-stander isn’t so innocent, but that is neither here nor there. What, besides good libations, happened to our dear Gemini’s mood?

I’ll tell you what. The Gemini isn’t changing her mind. The Gemini is just of two minds. It’s like having a fondness for mansex but hating public displays of affection. To some, that might seem ~*~hypocritical~*~ or deviant, but really, it’s just normal for a Gemini. Just like it’s normal for a Gemini to gossip. It’s also normal for a Gemini to invent new words or expressions and have those words or expressions take off, even if you would think that they wouldn’t. You may try to resist. You may say to yourself, “I’m going to avoid saying that word. I’ll use a synonym for that word, and even if I say it as often as the word in question, I’ll have defeated the Gemini.” But you will not have. The fact of the matter is if you’re consciously using a synonym (e.g., “obviously” instead of “clearly”*) to replace the word in order to go against the Gemini’s sway, you’ve lost. Your language is probably being dictated by a Gemini as you sit here, reading this. If you are a Gemini, you are probably very very very proud of yourself. Except, you wouldn’t say “very very very” proud of yourself. Maybe you’d use an adverb that fully encompasses the “very very very” sentiment, one that doesn’t seem to work but ends up working out anyway. Geminis aren’t necessarily grammar’s bitch. They just have their own language. They communicate whatever the fuck they want to, which includes writing, gossiping, being a silver fox in front of a camera, and making excellent playlists.

Geminis are as close as you can to eccentric these days. They do things in extremes. Don’t believe me? Imagine a Gemini trying to make small talk. It sounds a lot like awkward probe question after awkward probe question, or if the Gemini is being interrogated, they are often monosyllabic in their replies or merely uninterested. Out of some sense of whatever it means to be an accountable human being who engages in diplomatic and socially acceptable behavior, Geminis will, of course, feign interest and politeness and be as gentile as need be for a given situation. This is usually when involving people in positions of authority (it’s not that Geminis schmooze; they’re just polite by default until they can be in a more autonomous position); however, imagine a Gemini sitting next to a loud-mouthed peer who can’t seem to form any opinion without using “elevated diction” as a crutch. Now, imagine the Gemini blatantly rolling her eyes and scoffing. This is just how Geminis are. A Libra might roll her eyes after turning her body completely around (probably to talk to a Gemini) so that the person in question does not see, but Geminis don’t care.

It will probably be the death of Geminis. Geminis probably die from really serious things like homicides or getting eaten by mountain lions**. Geminis just don’t play it safe. Getting hit by a bus is probably another way a Gemini could die. It implies that sort of drunken stumbling about a busy street at night where public transportation is big. Now, even though Geminis often make smart drunks, it still becomes difficult for anyone who lives in extremes to avoid death. Death is bound to happen. We can only hope that when a Gemini does die, there will be an amazing light show, and her life will flash before her eyes much like a montage scene from one of the better episodes of Queer as Folk.

With all this talk about death, you may wonder, Do All Geminis Go to Heaven? The answer, of course, is no. That’s not the point. When Geminis die, they go to a special place where they get to flip light switches on and off depending on their mood (emo/not emo), where they get to control the music, and where the pasta is always delicious and the drinks always pour. Due to the DUAL NATURE of the Twins, we’ll have to just assume that there is no single afterlife for Geminis, only Here/There.

The best thing about Geminis, of course, is that they don’t know their limits and probably won’t admit their own deaths when it happens.

*Please ask the author about her struggle with this concept in the fall of 2005.
**Though this is unlikely, I do not recommend that Geminis go out into the woods; neither gin nor patchouli will save one from a mountain lion.


About Famous For Bad Reasons

Pop Culture and Feelings, brought to you by two people with too much regard for the former and no regard for the latter.
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