A Lesson in Theology and Astrology

When The Gemini and I were in college, we used to idolize Malcolm X, for reasons I’m not quite sure of now– I think we just found he said really awesome things like, “The media’s the most powerful entity on earth. They have the power to make the innocent guilty and to make the guilty innocent, and that’s power.”

And then, like Kanye says, “No one man should have all that power.”

At any rate, we weren’t very good at being nonviolent. The civil rights movement was rooted in Christian ideology, which is why it was successful in a country run by Jesus freaks. And that’s great! Yay! But back in college, we had a hard time with turning the other cheek, embracing the Golden Rule, or forgiving our enemies. Why’d we do that when we could just destroy them by spreading true stories about them?

Now that I’ve changed (some) over the past four years and can get behind Jesus a bit more, as well as Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr, I can understand that nonviolence is something you kind of have to grow into. It’s not easy, though, when everyone’s such a jerk.

But tomorrow we celebrate the birth of this guy:

Some people know that Jesus wasn’t born in December; some people, like me, believe he was born under the sign of Aries, which is the sign of the ram (lamb?) and ruled by the planet of war, Mars. This would be in line with the prophecies that a “Great Warrior” Messiah dude comes around, wearing bellbottoms and singing at the top of his lungs when prostitutes cuddle with tax collectors in his temple.

Whenever I feel badly for not being like Jesus, I remember that this guy LOST HIS SHIT in a temple and knocked things down. When his friends fell asleep on guard for him in the Garden of Gethsemane, he LOST HIS SHIT. Whenever his friends and followers were being assholes, he called them out on it. And I repeat: he frequently LOST HIS SHIT.

Jesus was an Aries. Christmas may be about giving, peace on earth, mass media and consumption, but Jesus was a cranky Aries who wasn’t really that interested in going to Wal-Mart on Black Friday to buy your mother-in-law an immersion blender. Just throwing that out there.

This lesson in theology is brought to you by a Tarot-reading, Episcopalian-raised, half-Jewish, holistically medical, New Age embarrassing hippie Libra. Season’s Beatings!


About Famous For Bad Reasons

Pop Culture and Feelings, brought to you by two people with too much regard for the former and no regard for the latter.
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3 Responses to A Lesson in Theology and Astrology

  1. Samantha says:

    Yeah, there’s no way Jesus could’ve been a Capricorn. Not enough guyliner.

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