“My New Year’s Resolution is to kill myself if I ever resemble Guy Fieri in any way whatsoever*. I think it’s going to stick!
*The one exception to this rule is if I resemble Guy Fieri in the way that Guy Fieri is an inexplicably huge success for terrible reasons. You guys don’t actually think I’m going to end my life right at the moment that I start getting rich and famous for no good reason whatsoever, do you? Because I’m not! I’m going to lord it over everyone, and it’s going to be awful!”
Exactly, Gabe. You get us. Should we ever both find ourselves in Northern California, we’d like to treat you to an unhealthy, unappetizing meal at Johnny Garlics.
After browsing the menu of Guy’s other restuarant, Tex Wasabi, I discovered they actually put these culinary delights on the menu:
NEW! Screaming Gobbler $7.95
Roasted turkey, jalapenos, pepper jack, avocados, green onions, mayonnaise and sriracha mayonnaise wrapped in sushi rice and tapioca paper. First you’ll gobble, then you’ll scream.
Kemosabe Roll $6.95
Tapioca rice paper roll with sushi rice, BBQ beef brisket, french fries, crispy onions & a garlic chili mayo sauce.
These sound ALMOST as good as the Kraft mac & cheese made with Sprite and mayonnaise while under a questionable state of mind one unfortunate night in college. Where’s my Food Network show?