My reputation as a teacher precedes me. This makes sense, given that I have a strange reputation, in general, depending on which circles you’re in. I mean, I am the girl who goes to see psychics one day and then goes shopping for designer jeans the next, which basically means I’m about ten years ahead of my current income.
And many of my students, once they get to know me, start to hear all my stories about my family and friends and various DNA tests I’ve been subjected to. Because why not? Life’s short, and you get better evaluations, thus getting your bosses off your back, if your students like you. You can be a terrible teacher, or wonderful, and really, what matters is your ability to tell your students things like, “Snooki’s a Sagittarius, you know.”
I was shocked when yesterday one of my students, apropos of nothing, interrupted the group work they were doing to ask, “Is it true that a Famous TV Personality hit on you?”
I don’t have a good poker face, despite how many times I listen to Lady GaGa and say to people, “Check this hand ‘cause I’m marvelous.”
Disclaimer: I’m not 100 percent sure this Famous TV Personality was hitting on me. I just know that I got extremely uncomfortable. Which is why I’m not using his name. However, if you were raised in a shoddy public school systems which used educational videos instead of committed teaching to engage you on the effects of Newton’s Laws, then you can guess who this man is.
To give you a further hint, we’ll use this image as a stand-in:
So, the story is this: I was at a 4th of July block party in a neighborhood whose most famous residents seemed to consist of television personalities like Ed Begley, Jr., and Jason Bateman, who I saw carrying his adorable toddler. Jason Bateman, by the way, is even cuter in person, so much that during the neighborhood parade, I kept craning my neck to look at him.
Later, I told my father, a notorious Star-Friender, that the TV Personality standing in the distance was someone whose witty educational videos had been a part of my schooling as a kid.
“Let’s go meet him,” he said. “He’s a nice guy. I’ve talked to him. Won’t date a woman older than 40, though. He’s got some weird complex about that.”
Upon meeting this man, he tried to gauge how old I was, and after that, when things were starting to get nervous and awkward, he told me I should walk to his house and check out his energy meter.
“The sun is so bright today, my energy meter is running backwards,” he said. He mumbled some more about his solar panels and the power of his home.
“Well,” I replied, “that’s great.”
“Go take a look. Just walk straight over to my house over there. There’s a big concrete slab you can stand on to take a look at the meter.”
“No, I’m fine, really.”
“No, I insist.”
This went on a bit more, until finally he realized I wasn’t going to walk over to his house to look at his energy meter. Is this how nerds hit on young women? I’m not sure, to this day. I just know I felt awkward as hell. So, I turned to his under-40 date he had at this parade, who had by now popped up, and I began to talk to her. And she was dumb. But my guess is this TV Personality likes dumb, young women who pretend to be fascinated by his meter.
And this is how gossip works: my good friend Sisyphus, mentioned earlier in this blog, knows all my wonderfully funny anecdotes about hanging out with the D List in Los Angeles. And she tells her students these stories. And her students know my students. And students are stalkers. And they will find this blog someday. And they will say, “OMFG. Awk.”