FFBR obviously loves Jersey Shore and with the cast GTLing in Italy this season, we knew we had to cover it. But with the lack of cable at FFBR HQ (moment of silence, please), we decided to bring in a special Jersey Shore Correspondent for this season. Luckily the Tauries (that’s a Taurus/Aries cusp) stepped up to the plate. He’s writing a Jersey Shore coffee table book and is the only person I know who will text with me for thirty straight minutes about Sitch’s true nature, so you’re all in good hands. Without further ado…
Would somebody tell these kids that it’s only the second episode? Seriously. Jersey Shore is murdering it within two episodes.
Probably the most interesting thing is Situation’s interest in Snooki. He claims they had sex one time. I wish I could go back in time and see some of this footage to Situation, right when he was calling her fat. Meanwhile, Snooks is having nearly nothing to do with it. She gets a little jealous when Sitch brings back some bar trash that she deems ugly. She lets Sitch console her a little but then shoots him down in an awkward scene after Sitch “finishes” with his bar girl. She has a name but I don’t remember it. She’ll be remembered as the girl to whom Sitch said “we’ve gotta hang out again” while she was conspicuously out of frame.
Sam and Ron are inevitably going to hook up again. [Ed note: vomit] She’s telling him she misses him and gets a little close while he’s eating some drunk food. They both say they have feelings for each other. It’ll only be a couple episodes before they’re sapping the life out of this show again. Little does Sam know that Ron has a female friend, a back-up, coming to visit in a few weeks. If they hook up, that’s off. Hold out, Ron. Stay strong.
Deena fell four times on camera (after a two-fall night, she tells JWOWW that “I’m so glad I didn’t fall last night.” No, you fell twice and were followed by cops momentarily. But you do you, Deena.), complained about everything in the grocery store being in “another language” (that’s Italian, sweetie) and she’s scheming to hook up with Pauly. That also looks probable even after Deena tried to devour Pauly’s face in the first episode. If your game is lacking, take notes when Pauly is on the screen. He tells the guys that he doesn’t want to hook up because “never in my life have I met a girl who can hook up and have no feelings.” THEN he pulls a pretend-like-I’m-asleep move when a lower-half-blurred Deena tries to wake him up for smushing. Bravo, Pauly.
Plenty more happened too:
-They’re working in a pizzeria this season. JWOWW says that when she’s 80 and her grandkids ask her where she learned how to make pizza, she can say “I learned in Florence, BITCH.” Their next question: “Why don’t your boobs ever move?”
-Vinny and Ron broke the “two dudes alone in a hot tub” rule but they enjoyed it. No word if Sam caught wind of this infidelity.
-Sitch had to check with Pauly to see if his bar girl was hot. Sitch: “Is she hot?” Pauly: “Sure.” Outstanding wingman move from probably the best wingman alive in Pauly D. He always brings home the friend. ALWAYS.
-Ronnie says he would rather get effed in the a with a spiked bat than go to bed with Sammi. Bet he does it in two episodes or less….go to bed with Sammi, not the bat.
-While making dinner, Deena puts pasta into water before it boils. It’s as if millions of Italian voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced.