Last Night’s Jersey Shore and Discussing the Situation’s Situation, Part II

As we explained in this post, we’re bringing in a Special Jersey Shore Correspondent to recap this season.

Whoever had the 3rd episode as the one where Ron and Sam would get back together, step forward and claim your prize.

I seriously thought that Ron would hold out a little longer because he’s so much happier without Sammi. It’s one of life’s long-held truths that single Ronnie is just plain better than dating Ronnie. I’m pretty sure that’s in Crash Davis’ “what do you believe in” speech from Bull Durham. (“Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. And that single Ron Ron Juice is way better than Ronnie when he’s dating Sammi. That shit is terrible.”)

If you’ve watched the show for a season or more, you know that Sam and Ron sap every last bit of life out of the show and bring absolutely nothing to the table except maybe an interesting fight or two–Sam punching Ron and Ron dragging the bed with Sam on it stood out in my memory from last year but other than that, when were they together on camera that they didn’t sap the life out of the whole damn show? They take so much off the table while bringing nothing to it.

Last week, Ron was the “pimp daddy mack of this whole place”. Now, he’s a legitimate crying threat. I miss last week.

One thing Ron has going for him is that he called Sitch out on blabbing about hooking up with Snooki in L.A. (My take? Something happened. I don’t know what but something certainly happened) and I think this is going to lead to Sitch going off the deep end. You have to feel a little sorry for the guy about…erm….being so insecure that he’s a huge doucher? (Ed. Note: see below.) Sure. Great.

Speaking of hooking up, how about Deena this episode? She snags that Italian waiter in the bar (with a hugely grotesque display of PDA that included an over-the-shoulder boob grab, grinding while pushed up against the bar AND a Jersey Turnpike). THEN, she snags Sitch’s twin’s..erm…twin from his planned three-way and when the girl gets into Vinny’s bed, Deena steals the girl back for herself. So, in one fell swoop, Deena explores her own sexuality AND swipes this girl from Sitch and Vinny. But she proves that sharing is caring (and realizes she isn’t really into chicks) by giving the twin back to Vinny.

Other cool stuff that happened that probably won’t happen next week just because Ron and Sam are dating again:

-Ron has an awesome Stich impression and tricked the twins into coming over in the middle of the day. They also show up at random in a club. Never in the history of never has a set of blonde twins EEEEEEVER brought a show to a screeching halt like this. Never ever. Never. Nevernevernever.
-There was at least one time where I saw Sitch wearing A&F pants. Isn’t he a spokesperson for A&F or something?
-Does Jenni have a pulse under those huge phony breasts of hers? She hasn’t gotten into a fight, she hasn’t done anything! Where’s the JWOWW that would smoke like 50 cigarettes a day and legitimately intimidate a male housemate or two? I think she’s worried about her brand but the ironic part is she has a brand for being JWOWW, not Jenni. Important distinction there.
Vinny and Pauly have probably the greatest reality TV bromance ever and it’s always good for a laugh or two. It’s probably the most real thing on the show. (Ed. Note: yessssss, their bromance gives me life.)

–The Tauries

And now, the conclusion of TT and TG’s illuminating chat.

TT: i mean this is just embarrassing all the way around, there’s no good side to this
TG: idk, i think sitch could come out of this pretty well. if nothing else, it should be good enough to boost his ego for the day
TT: because he needs that. that was supposed to be sarcastic but he actually probably really does just enjoy that
TG: i’m pretty sure he’s like tinkerbell and needs an ego boost every day to survive
TT: he’s just like tinkerbell. that’s awesome. he does have some pretty serious self-confidence issues
TG: i know, i think that’s why i can’t hate him as much as everyone else does. i just feel really sorry for him. like, ronnie is just an abusive douche with no redeeming qualities. sitch is a douche but you can tell it comes from his insecurities, which is just sad
TT: i can see that, but i can’t feel too sorry for him because there are ways to work on that that don’t include being a dbag to everyone. that would make him far less interesting, though.
TG: details, details. i need to know if he and snooks actually hooked up. according to the ever reliable US weekly, they actually did and when jionni came to italy they broke up over it. i need to know if he’s being a liar or just a shit stirrer before i can accurately assess my feelings on the subject
TT: yes. i wish a tape of that existed. i would hit play on that badboy faster than the Kim tape
TG: i would totally watch it, and then drink enough wine to block the image from my head forever
TT: oh that’s not ever gonna be blocked. that’d probably be the funniest celebrity sex tape out there
TG: sitch would probably have a mirror arranged so he could stare at himself the whole time
TT: there’s no way he doesn’t have a mirror on the ceiling and at least 2 walls
TT: i think we’ve gone too far

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About Famous For Bad Reasons

Pop Culture and Feelings, brought to you by two people with too much regard for the former and no regard for the latter.
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