Hey, guys, as you know, I’m FFBR’s resident style-monger, except for the fact that I refuse to look at fall’s upcoming trends. Because when I look at magazines or fashion blogs or whatever, I’m reminded of the fact that I cannot afford to go clothes shopping right now because I’m partially unemployed and broke in NYC. I don’t know how I’m going to handle flipping through the pages of Vogue’s September issue.
Maybe with a therapist at my side.
When I was broke in College Town, MA, I was still pretty stylish. Being broke here is more problematic because sometimes, sometimes, the hookers getting on the C line with you early in the morning to take their kids to school? Sometimes they’re dressed cooler than you.
But then I thought, I can’t be the only one who’s concerned with at least getting a new look for the fall, whether or not it coincides with the gods of fashion and their ham-fisted insistence on ephemeral change.
Some Tips for the Poverty Stricken:
1.) Can’t afford a haircut? And your hipster bangs are getting too long? Swear to everyone you know you’re going to grow them out, and then, preferably on a day when you are rejected from another job (and have been ugly-crying so hard your eyes are puffy), take some scissors and cut them yourself. Despite your roommate’s astute observation that it could end really badly. It won’t end badly, maybe.
2.) Keep your eyebrows perfectly groomed. Because now your bangs are short, and people are going to finally look at your eyeballs and brows again. And, if you’re me, you may even get a few compliments. From your friends. Your enemies will probably say something shitty about them like how they’re no Elizabeth Taylor eyebrows.
3.) When your skinny jeans prove to be too baggy because you’ve lost weight from walking around excessively, probably applying for jobs, simply cuff them. Cuffed pants are in. When you cuff your jeans they’re brand new, and you can wear them uncuffed the next day. Alternate how to style your jeans until you 1.) wash them or 2.) have money again. Or until they fall apart.
4.) Get monochromatic. Personally, I do the Angelina Jolie/Audrey Hepburn/Goth Kid From Junior High thing and wear a lot of black, even in summer. When fall comes, that’s pretty much going to be my formula for success. That way I can stay classic, slimmer, and allow my collection of vintage scarves to really pop:
Note: I realize that picture looks like I’m naked. I’m not. My shirt was just hanging a funny way. Okay? Gross. Gross. Gross.
5.) Do not engage in conversations with ANYONE about what’s fashionable. Be stylish without being trendy because let’s face it, it’s way too expensive to be trendy. It’s much easier to be stylish. So, put on your best jewelry, your best boots, your old jeans, and stand seductively in a subway surrounded by urine smells and guys sleeping with their hands in their pants. And know that when the breeze fabricated by the approaching rattling train comes by, your newly trimmed bangs will flutter delicately, and someone, somewhere, will catcall you, creepily.