The Return of our Special Jersey Shore Correspondent

See Jersey Shore Correspondent explanation here.

So last night’s episode broke me out of the Jersey Shore doldrums. Who would have thought all I needed was a pregnancy scare, a foot fetish and a Snooki’s sex face?

The JS doldrums, when the initial excitement from the show being back on the air runs out and you realize you have the same people in the same fights and largely similar plot lines, hit hard until last week. Snooki getting loose at the club with no drawers on and Jionni (sorry bro, but your name is fucking dumb and I’m not typing that every time I refer to you–you’ll be John from now on (also considered: Mini Vinny, Coat Tail Rider, guy who hugely underestimated how crazy Snooki is before dating her and if you’re really that shy what the fuck were you thinking in the first place, etc) running out was just the start. Snooks goes out and drinks and dances in a restaurant/bar where nobody else is dancing. She turns around and tells the people not to judge her because she’s heartbroken. She’s in a tiny dress and fur boots, drinking and dancing alone in a restaurant and telling people not to judge her. Bless her heart. There was a moment when Snooki was laying down on the stairs and in hysterics when you couldn’t help but feel bad for the girl. [Ed. Note: I cried, I am not ashamed.]

Snooks just goes on a tear for the rest of the episode. She does see John for a minute but he ultimately leaves because he can’t deal with the person he’s dating. Hey, bro, just a quick protip: If you’re about to date a reality TV star, WATCH THE PREVIOUS SEASONS BEFORE YOU START! Would an NFL coach ever go into a game without watching hours of game tape first? In a weekend in front of the TV, John could have learned that 1) Snooki isn’t always the biggest fan of underwear but doesn’t let that stop her from dancing; 2) She’s a little on the crazy side and; 3) She has banged one of her roommates that she’s living with again (not really an issue here but something a guy would probably want to know). Yet John is completely shocked and has to run all over Florence like a punkass because he did no scouting. He had the tapes! This makes no sense to me.

JWOWW wins major points for being a solid friend this week. Let’s not even count her running all over Florence to chase John down. In this episode, JWOWW comforts a bawling Snooki roughly 50 times, tracks John down at the train station and convinces him to get on the phone with Snooks then wait around until she can come talk to him, leaves the club with Deena to get a pregnancy test because she missed her period and she’s scared (the world dodged a major bullet here–nobody’s ready for a tiny little blast in a glass), and continued to stick up for Snooki when Sitch claimed fellatio from Snooki. Congrats, JWOWW. Now if only she could turn back time and get her old face back. Alas.

I’ll say this for Sitch: saying that Snooki blew him was not his creepiest moment. When Snooks is depressed and talks everyone else into pretending like they’re at Karma (they’re like children, really), Mike does his usual sit around and stare at people thing and Snooks comes over to sit next to him. For whatever reason, Snooks kicks up her foot onto Mike’s lap. He grabs her foot all weird and looks at it like a complete creeper. I thought he was about to lick it with the way he was looking at it. Of course, I’m running with this. Sitch having a a foot fetish is just too good to not run with even if it might not be true. I just hope there’s a Rex Ryan-esque video floating around somewhere.

Now, the last scene of the episode is nuts. After Sitch got all foot-happy, he confessed his love for Snooki and got all creepy so Snooks bailed. She went into Deena, Vinny and Pauly’s room and helped Deena get some snuggle time for Pauly by snuggling with Vinny. Then she straight up asked Vinny if he wanted to have sex after saying she and John aren’t dating anymore. You get the usual “there’s so much going on under these sheets” shot but the last shot of the episode, a corner of the sheets comes up and you see Snooki’s sex face. Since we all know John and Snooki are dating right now, how do you watch this episode without flipping your shit? That guy on TV nailed your girl and you get to see it.

But you probably would have known that might have happened if you had watched the previous seasons before you started to date Snooki, John. Or Jionni. Whatever.

–The Tauries


About Famous For Bad Reasons

Pop Culture and Feelings, brought to you by two people with too much regard for the former and no regard for the latter.
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